… Jilli … one name, Jilli. I should hate him, I have a right to hate him, but I can’t. He is my husband, whatever that means now … I don’t know. I thought my heart had hailed a taxi long before I walked out last night, but now, as I lay my head on the pillow empty and alone I know my heart is with him. I gave it to Luke and I can’t take it back. God help me, I still love him … I will love him forever, even if it destroys me.

… Have you ever wanted something so bad but know you can’t have it? I don’t think that there is enough ice in the world to take away the pain on my cheek, the destruction of my heart. How did we get here?

There was a hollowness in his eyes, his thoughts as broken as the glass on the floor, Is this really the man he has become? When did he slip away? I stared into his eyes searching for the truth, but there was nothing there, for the first time I could see right through him. I don’t know what came over me.

God, he felt awful about hitting me, I know he didn’t mean to … do women really come preprogrammed to think these things after abuse? Was it really abuse? It hurt him more than it hurt me, I had never seen so much pain in his eyes, I’d never felt so much fear. My heart was gone, it abandoned me. It fled through the window and was already at the bottom of the fire escape hailing a taxi before I realized I was leaving.

What did I do? We can never go back to before.

… I stopped by the station today on my lunch break, but Dr. McBride was at lunch – does the whole world take lunch late? I passed Jillian Brennan on the way out, she almost jumped out of her skin when I asked if she had talked to Luke lately … I knew in that minute that she was more than just a friend of my husbands.

How could he do this? Maybe it is me. Maybe this will pass, I’ll wait it out, he can’t be serious about her, this is a phase … if it’s even true, maybe now I’m just paranoid. At least I don’t have to work late today, maybe Luke will be ready to go out to dinner, I am sure he has been pitying himself all day and probably forgot to eat.

… I had to work over so I figured Luke and I could go out and get dinner, a date (two nights in a row – Jackpot!) but when I got home I found Dr. McBride, a psychiatrist at my husband’s office. He was weird, just in the way he addressed me, I knew I had stumbled into a conversation that I shouldn’t have been there for. He left quickly but told Luke that they needed to talk more, Dr. McBride must know what happened to Luke.

Luke was … changed, scared, paranoid, coming home was like entering an interrogation room (at least how I imagine it to be). I know I should leave him alone about taking the desk job, but this is obviously where our problems originate. He shut off completely and went back to that room, we never made it out to dinner. I sat on the couch and cried until I ran out of tears. Maybe tomorrow Dr. McBride will be at the station and will tell me what is going on.

… I just got to work, some creep from Internal Affairs showed up at the apartment this morning, he was so snide, I don’t know there was something about him…look at me sounding like a skeptic, I guess being a cops wife those traits begin to rub off on you. Oh well, Luke can handle him, he can handle anyone! … besides he is on ‘me’ time. God, I love that man.

Something has happened, something that isn’t over, something that is a secret, something inescapable.

I came home from work like any other day, but there he was, in that stupid bedroom alone, again. I was barely in the door when we began to argue, but I was determined to have a meal; if he would just spend a little time with me I could remind him that I’m his best friend. I am the one he needs to talk to, not Chuck; Chuck is just as miserable as he is, they don’t see things the way I do, they don’t understand. They have surrounded themselves with all of the negativity in the world, surrounded so thick they can’t see outside of it.

I’ve begun to suspect that Luke is cheating on me, but deep down I know it can’t be true, he loves me…he tells me he loves me. Luke took a ‘me’ day, he finally realizes that he has to separate himself from the job. We made dinner and ate together and after dinner he didn’t run away, he stayed and held me, just like before; and he came to bed instead of staying up to ‘think’. He listened to me instead of those voices in his head…he listened to me well into the early morning hours and I was finally sexy. It was perfect, he was perfect, we were perfect.

I want more … is that a bad thing?

I watched another coworker get promoted, she wasn’t even qualified, well I guess that all depends on what you are looking for. Apparently at the office, an education, intelligence and foresight mean nothing. Apparently the longer your hair, the more contagious your laugh, and the more willing you are to accept submissiveness and a true lack of individual thought the further you can go!

When I got home all I wanted to do was fall helplessly into Luke’s arms, to be held and told that everything would be ok … to be reassured that I was ok. Home … where everything is safe … where everyone is themselves … and where ‘themselves’ is enough. But everything was changing …

The guest room was rearranged, emptied. Everything had been taken out, even our wedding picture. Luke was in there and barely moved when I walked in … he just looked at me and told me he needed a space of his own … his voice pierced though me, his eyes so dark and shiny. He had been crying, but wouldn’t admit it, he was cold and empty. I tried to go to him, but I was empty, maybe we both needed some time alone.

Emptiness … him from starting a desk job, me from fearing the rest of my life at one. Tomorrow for the first time, I’ll kiss him goodbye not have to wonder if this was the last time I would see him. He’ll be safe now; a promotion is always a good thing … everything will be alright, tomorrow.